Femme Fatales 1x02 Speed Date Original Air Date on June 3, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
I like a woman who knows herself.
Confidence is beauty. There's nothing sexier
than a woman who's comfortable in her own skin.
An independent woman
with a spry personality and an old soul.
That's the one for me. I'm Troy.
When I'm in the outdoors, it's about freedom.
I read.
Losing myself in the pages of a good book
is pure Nirvana,
like an hour-long bubble bath
with bath bombs from Bliss.
My best friend are Charlie Parker and John Coltrane.
Without them, I am lost.
Simply put, their music is the soundtrack of my life.
Yeah, I know I'm good-looking,
but that's not worth a hill of beans
unless you find the right girl
to share life's special moments with.
And let me tell you, in this town,
it's been tough to find that special someone.
If you're confident, if you're independent,
if you're open-minded, passionate,
genuine, creative, funny,
if you think you're her,
and you think we'll click, please--
Contact me, DocTroy77.
Thank you, Dr. Troy.
Ladies, all of our lines are open.
♪ I've got my eye on you ♪
♪ And I'm hooked, dear, too ♪
♪ Your fooling around's ♪
♪ Getting blood on my shoes, oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oa ♪
♪ I've set my sights on you ♪
♪ I've got an alibi, too ♪
♪ So don't look around ♪
♪ I've got nothing to lose ♪
♪ Whoa-oa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oa ♪
♪ Whoa-oa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oa ♪
We all tell little white lies.
We lie about our height, our weight,
where we've been and where we're going.
And tonight,
video game developer Kevin Freeman
is about to discover
that when his fantasy turns into reality,
honesty, in fact, may be the best policy
as his little white lies
get him into a world of trouble.
You have 174 new messages.
Holy-- Yes!
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Freeman?
Lily, hi. Come on in, darling.
The sales reports from Planet of the Undead 2 you asked for.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, our numbers rocked it.
Yes! See? It's just like I told you.
Give a child a chainsaw and 10,000 zombies to hack up,
and they're in first-person shooter heaven.
Boo-yah!
Hey, you know what?
Let's go out tonight and celebrate.
Oh-- Please?
Please, please?
I don't know. Oh, come on.
That's what you always say.
When are you going to say yes?
I'm sorry, Mr. Freeman.
I just don't think you're my type.
I'm not your type? That doesn't even make sense.
I'm everybody's type. Look at me.
Huh?
I'm like that blood type that everybody can use.
I'm a universal donor.
Is it my calves?
You know, I'm getting calf implants.
Picture me with Lance Armstrong's calves.
Picture it.
Now what do you think?
Hi, Troy. I'm Alexis.
I'm new on the Web site.
This is the first time I've responded to anyone.
You seem to be a very nice guy who's really sure of himself.
I like that in a man.
Take me, my Mandingo love machine.
The pleasure's gonna be all yours.
Oh, Dr. Troy!
Dr. Troy!
Hey, Alexis, you sound great.
Let's not waste time.
I believe in spontaneity.
00 tonight,
Sunset Grill on Wilder & Diamond.
Uh, Troy? Yeah. Hi.
Hi. Alexis. Right. Hey.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
Uh, you don't really look much like your profile photos.
Yeah. That photo's a little dated.
I was gonna update it with a newer photo,
but I haven't.
And to be fair, I love me some Krispy Kreme.
Is it obvious?
Um, but I kind of blew up my washboard abs there.
I'm getting back in the gym.
You know, doing sit-ups.
Like, 2,000 a day.
This is the first bottle in my six-pack.
So you're a cardiologist?
Well, not professionally, no.
It's more of a hobby.
But you could say
I'm an expert in all things
regarding the heart.
Listen, Troy,
or whatever the hell your name really is,
I don't like liars.
Oh, I'm not a liar
so much as a creative embellier.
Alexis,
we need to talk.
Is that your contact?
'Cause Raven's gonna want to see him, too.
I'm not talking to you or to Raven.
Check, please!
Get down!
Let's go!
Wow. That was incredible, man,
when you grabbed that knife, and you stabbed that guy in the--
Shut up.
You're right.
Who needs words
after everything we've been through?
Not what you meant. All right.
My bad.
I'm a little slow in picking up the social cues.
I'm-- An idiot and a liar.
That's one opinion.
Would you mind telling me who those guys were?
I can't tell you.
Why, because you'd have to kill me?
Ooh, that's such a cliché!
You know what? If you don't mind, I'm gonna be heading home now.
Yeah. That'll be the first place they look for you.
Who are they, and why would they be looking for me?
If you want to keep breathing, you need to stay with me
until I can figure out why Raven wants me dead.
Who the hell is Raven? I wish I knew.
So this Raven guy wants you dead,
but you don't know who he is?
You wouldn't understand.
Try me!
I work for Raven, but I have never met him.
So what, you're some sort of assassin,
and then Raven is some sort of mysterious boss
that you have, and that--
Oh, no shit. Really?
Look, these are dangerous people.
I'm a dangerous person, and people like you are collateral damage.
So you-- when I say jump, you jump.
Got me, Dr. Troy Jackson?
My name is Kevin, Kevin Freeman,
and I design video games!
Was there anything in your online profile that was real?
Sure! Lots of stuff!
Like? I'm black.
Oh, my God. This is insane.
The knife and the thing and the running...
How'd you even get started in this business?
I was recruited
from a Third World orphanage at the age of ten
and spirited away to a monastery
in the Himalayas, where I was-- Whoa. Back up.
Did you just say you were spirited away to a monastery?
Because...I was thinking how cool that would be.
Please continue.
Where I was trained
by the world's most lethal monks
in the art of killing.
I've assassinated heads of state,
captains of industry, arms dealers,
drug cartel kingpins, corrupt politicians,
and dozens of Eurotrash super-criminals.
Man, those monks don't quit.
So what do they want with me? I mean, I'm a nobody.
I'm a civilian. Not anymore.
How they gonna find me? They don't even know who I am.
They already sent a team to the restaurant pretending to be FBI.
They have your dinner reservations,
descriptions from the staff,
lifted fingerprints from that cheap bottle of wine you ordered.
That was not cheap wine!
They've hacked into the security camera footage
from the street and the lobby.
There's only one problem with your theory, Sherlock--
they have Dr. Troy Jackson's name, not mine.
They ran the DNS from Troy Jackson's email account
and data-mined you.
Your life is theirs now.
And until we find Raven and straighten things out,
we're both in mortal danger.
I'm sorry, sir.
Your credit card's been declined.
Hey!
Hey, what are you doing?
They traced your credit cards.
Agents will be here in seven minutes.
Why didn't you say something?
That's way too big of a tip considering we didn't get
any of those world-famous bread sticks.
I want Raven's men to come for us.
That will buy us some time, because you will tell them
that you overheard us talking about taking a Greyhound to Santa Mira.
Got it? For this kind of tip,
I'll tell them you went to the moon.
I'm reporting you to the Web site.
This is a direct violation of their terms of service.
And I'm not going anywhere.
They will find you wherever you go.
Leave now and live or stay and die.
I will leave now and live.
Good answer.
What are we doing here?
My knees hurt, and my ass is cold.
This is where Archie Becker lives.
Who's Archie Becker?
The accountant. Accountant?
The organization I work for
is a global operation that needs funding.
Like Woodward and Bernstein once said, "Follow the money."
Now I'm totally confused.
I would think that you'd be used to that by now,
confusion being your natural state.
Not about the whole secret agent La Femme Nikita thing.
Look, I've seen all the Bond films,
except for A View To a Kill,
which I hear was double-oh-crap.
What I'm confused about is
what were you doing on an Internet dating site?
It's difficult to explain.
Try me.
I never got a chance to grow up and live a normal life.
I wanted out of the organization, so I left.
Let me guess. It's not the kind of organization you just leave.
I've been trained to do what I do since I was 10 years old.
I missed out on a lot of things that you take for granted.
What, taxes, Bar Mitzvah parties, Jersey Shore
You didn't miss much.
When you were playing in the Little League,
I learned to use a Glock.
When you went to prom, I made my first mark.
I didn't go to prom.
Patti Ledo blew me off and went with Kenny Glazier.
If Patti could see me now, she would totally go with me.
When you said make your first mark,
did you mean kill people?
So now you're a retired assassin
that's Internet dating?
I thought it was something normal girls do.
Normal girls that look like you
don't have to online date, trust me.
But then I would've never met
the wonderful and talented Dr. Troy Jackson.
Keep it up.
Your profile was phonier than mine.
"Likes warm, quiet evenings in front of a fire," my ass.
Come on. We gotta move.
Now, that's a dramatic way to open a door lock.
Shut up. Find something and put it on.
I still don't know what we're doing here.
We are going to a costume party.
We have to fit in.
Did you RSVP "plus one" on the e-vite?
Try to find something that makes you look good.
I'll try.
Best date ever.
What?
Nothing.
Does this car have an ejector seat?
There's one little thing I forgot to tell you.
We have to make Archie think that Raven wants him dead.
That's not a little thing, that's a big thing!
If he thinks Raven's got a hit on him,
he's going to need somebody to protect him,
and that somebody's gonna be me.
Okay, how are we going to convince him
that Raven wants him dead?
Because Raven sent you to do it.
Raven sent me?
Why would Raven send me?
I'm not a killer.
I can't even squish those big cockroach bugs.
What kind of assassin do you make
if you have to hire an exterminator to come and kill a bug?
Let's go.
Do you remember everything I told you?
Who are you?
I am the international assassin known as The Owl,
the baddest badass contract killer west of Berlin.
Won't they know I'm not him?
The Owl mysteriously vanished two years ago.
Even when he was around, anybody who knew
what he really looked like never lived to tell about it.
That's cold. I like it.
I'm The Owl.
Hoo!
Good call on the costumes.
We're gonna fit right in.
You know what to do.
What's new, pussycat?
Sorry. Wrong room.
Oh, hey.
Where do you think you're going, my little kitty?
I was looking to get some milk.
Are you a waiter?
No, no. This is my party.
Archie Becker.
You know, I'm sure I can find you some milk,
and we can lap it up together--
privately, of course.
Mmm, tempting.
But I'm sure you can do better than just milk.
Well, the night is young.
Enjoy the show.
Ooh, I love Michael Jackson.
Show me how you beat it.
♪
You are so naughty.
Emily?
Mr. Freeman?
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here, Mr. F?
I like to party. I like to disco.
There's a lot of stuff you don't know about me.
This is a new look for you.
It's actually not new.
I've been an elite-level domino mistress
for seven years.
These are my submissives.
Wow.
Um, is there a class you took
to be the domino?
So are you in a union of some sort?
Go like that.
You won't tell anyone at the office?
No, absolutely not.
Good, because if you did,
I'd cut off your scrotum and feed it to you
with some ranch dressing and chipotle salsa.
Mmm.
So want to make out with me?
You're a dirty girl.
Don't you want to play with these little kitties?
Sorry. Not my thing.
Well, that's too bad.
Maybe it's time to say good night, then.
You give up easily, don't you?
You want me to say please?
No. I want you to turn on some music.
Hmm.
♪
Much better.
♪
Alexis?
I heard you were dead.
Are you gonna be a good boy?
If you're a good boy,
I'll let you kiss it.
Kiss it.
I gotta go.
Are you kidding me?
I gotta go.
I can keep you safe from Raven, kitty-cat,
for a very small pri--
I've been waiting a very long time for this, Alexis.
Raven's trying to kill you, too.
He put a hit on both of us.
What? That's not possible.
You need me to protect you, Archie.
Get the fuck outta here.
I'm the international assassin known as The Owl.
Who? Exactly.
What the hell do you want? You.
Raven's hired me to ice your ass.
What? Come on. Raven would never do that.
You're stealing money from him. Now he wants you dead.
Look, I haven't, okay? Come on. That's crazy.
Look, please, man, just don't-- don't kill me, okay?
You knocked me out?
That wasn't a part of the plan.
If I had told you, would you have gone along with it?
No, but you would have felt better afterwards for asking.
That's why. I needed to save Archie
from The Owl to gain his trust.
Did it work?
Yes. He told me everything...
before he died.
He died? How did he die?
You killed him!
You can't go around killing people.
That's not right.
He told me where Raven is.
Well, that's good work.
Thank you.
♪
Raven.
Alexis. I figured you'd find me.
You were always my best.
Roasted duck with a truffle-scented broth and a mushroom ragout.
You know, that does smell delicious.
Shut up.
I wasted a lot of time and money on you tonight
that I could have put to much better use.
I don't want to waste anymore.
I want to know why you flipped and to whom.
I didn't flip, I quit.
Don't you get it?
You took my life! I want it back!
What is so funny?
I believe you.
Great.
Whoo!
Now that that's over, can we get outta here?
I'm still gonna kill you, Alexis.
I can't take any chances that I'm wrong.
No one has ever left the organization alive.
No one.
So if it's any consolation, I'm sorry.
So am I.
Wait a minute. Hold on.
Let me tell you something, Mr. Raven,
Mr. I'm So Cool I Got A Black Chick's Name.
You know where I met your girl?
On a date. An Internet date.
You've got her so crazy--
assassinating people and HALO jumping into stuff--
she doesn't know what's going on.
She thinks she's gotta go online to meet dudes,
as fine as she is.
You think she's gonna rat on you?
Look at her. She's clueless.
Why don't you give her a chance at a normal life?
She won't let you down. I promise.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Kevin Freeman,
video game designer.
Ever see Planet of the Undead?
That was me, darling. I invented that.
Number 3, Dead & Undeader,
is coming out next month on Xbox, baby.
Gig magazine's pick of the month, baby.
Now get-- Please don't kill me.
Did you say Planet of the Undead?
I fucking love that game.
See? Right?
I play that with my kids all the time.
Whose family doesn't enjoy smashing up on zombies?
Look, Mr. Raven,
Alexis here has given you her entire life.
When you gonna give it back to her?
Well,
I do have two extra spots at the dinner table.
Sweet. We're staying for dinner.
Thank you, sir.
I've worked up quite an appetite,
what with getting shot at
and crashing in on swingers' parties
and running around all night long...
Planet of the Undead.
Wonderful.
I love dinner parties.
So,
pretty nice first date, huh?
Think there'll be a second?
We'll see.
So how do you know he's not gonna poison you?
Because you're going to eat it first.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
♪ She's got long black hair ♪
♪ And a laser eye ♪
♪ She's got a laser gun-un-un ♪
♪ On one of her thighs ♪